One of Gurudeva's key teachings is that we are a soul, a divine being. However, Gurudeva also acknowledges that we are a soul living in a physical body, an embodied soul. Therefore, in addition to our soul nature, we also have an instinctive nature and an intellectual nature. Gurudeva describes this as the three phases of the mind: superconscious or spiritual, which is the soul; intellectual or mental; and instinctive or physical-emotional.
It is the instinctive nature, the animal-like nature, which contains the tendencies to become angry and harm others. Therefore, part of making progress on the spiritual path is learning to control the instinctive mind. This is where the yamas, the ten ethical restraints, come into play. They give us a list of tendencies we need to restrain. The classical Hindu depiction of restraint is the charioteer pulling back on the reins of a team of three, four or five horses to keep them under control. The yamas are the reins which help us to keep our instinctive and intellectual natures, which are like strong steeds that can work for us or run wildly if not kept in check.
One of the uses of the yamas is as a convenient reference list to see how well the instinctive mind is being controlled. Adults can use this for self-examination as well as a guide for thinking about their children's behavior and refining it.
The first yama, of course, is noninjury, ahimsa: Not harming others by thought, word or deed. Ahimsa, nonviolence, as we all know, is a central principle of Hinduism. Sage Patanjali called it the Maha Vrata, the Great Oath. Of course, most of us do not indulge in physical violence. Therefore, we may conclude that ahimsa presents no challenge to us.
However, let's look more closely at the definition of ahimsa, which is not harming others by thought, word or deed. This points out that we need to practice ahimsa in our speech and even our thoughts.
An important attitude to have to make progress on the spiritual path is that we need to focus on our weak points and strive to improve them. Furthermore, we need to hold the attitude that no matter how well we are doing in a particular practice, such as ahimsa, we can still do better. We can always find a way to further refine our behavior. Thus in this article we are focusing on speech, specifically looking at words that hurt, and exploring ways we can improve our speech so that it is less hurtful to others.
There are four common forms of hurting others with our speech. They are joking, teasing, gossiping and backbiting. Let's look at some examples that illustrate joking and teasing. First example: someone has a special privilege or position that we don't. We grumble, "It's not fair. He was exempted from the work we had to do today. He really has it easy!" Second example: someone speaks French with a foreign accent. You repeat back his pronunciation and laugh. Third example: someone has difficulty multiplying numbers. When she is having trouble making a calculation, you make fun of her. The rationale for the behavior in these three situations is "I'm joking," "Just being humorous," "Entertaining all present." However, in truth, your words are himsa, you are harming another through your speech and justifying it by saying you are just joking. Words can hurt, and many don't realize their power to do so, even if they are said in jest. Your humor comes at the direct expense of the person you are joking about.
Gurudeva has given us a very useful guideline for seeing if our speech is appropriate. It provides us a fourfold test: Speak only that which is true, kind, helpful and necessary. I know some of Gurudeva's devotees who initially took this guideline a bit too literally and decided most speech was unnecessary and almost stopped talking altogether. Of course, that was a misinterpretation!
Gurudeva also stated this guideline for speech as "Think before you speak, and speak only that which is true, kind, helpful and necessary." Reflecting on what we are going to say is necessary, because otherwise we too often speak inappropriately. Therefore, the practice is in two parts. First, before you speak, stop and think. Second, think specifically whether what you plan to say really is true, kind helpful and necessary.
In terms of joking and teasing, the first test to apply is the test of helpfulness. In other words, everything we say to others should be designed to help them do better in some way. Let's look at our three examples again, and see if they pass the test of being helpful. First example: someone has a special privilege, so we complain rancorously: "He really has it easy!" Second example: a man speaks French with a foreign accent. You mimic his pronunciation and chuckle. Third example: a girl has difficulty with math. When she stumbles with a calculation, you poke fun at her. Certainly none of the three passes the test of being helpful.
Let's take another example, this time the case of a friend who is overweight. We are genuinely worried that it is vital for his health to lose some weight. We voice our concern by saying, "You are too fat." Our words pass the test of being helpful, but they fail the test of being kind. We need to express our concern more gently, such as "I hope you don't mind my saying this, but it might be good for your health if you get serious about diet and exercise." In other words, even helpful words need to be expressed in a kindly way.
Next is gossip. Gossip is talking about the details of others' personal lives for the delight of it when they are not present. Gossip is like creating and watching our own television soap opera. It clearly fails the test of being helpful, as it is designed to entertain the participants at the expense of the individual being gossiped about. Some wives regularly gossip about their husbands. While their husbands are at work, they spend a great deal of time on the phone or on the Internet with other wives, sharing at length the details of their husbands' lives. The gossip you spread about your husband may be true, but it fails three tests: kind, helpful and necessary.
Husbands usually don't gossip, but they frequently tease their wives, and that too fails the three tests of being kind, helpful and necessary. Husbands need the support of their wives to be successful. Wives need the support of their husbands to be happy. Gossip and teasing disastrously undermine support in any marriage.
Last but not least is backbiting. Finding faults in another and sharing this finding with others is a hobby many enjoy. It is so much easier to look for faults in others and complain about them than to see the same faults in ourselves and change them. The Tirukural devotes Chapter 19 to "Avoidance of Backbiting." Here is a verse from it: "If men perceived their own faults as they do the faults of others, could misfortune ever come to them?" Of course, any backbiting fails our speech test of kind, helpful and necessary. The truth is that unless we are responsible for someone's upbringing or training, such as parents to their children or supervisors to their staff, then it is best to ignore the faults of others and focus instead on finding and improving our own faults. Improving ourselves is a practice that produces positive spiritual advancement and differs greatly from backbiting and entertaining ourselves at the expense of others. Next time you find yourself criticizing the faults in others, ask yourself if you might not also have the same fault, for what disturbs you in others often indicates what you need to improve in yourself.
Another aspect of kindly speech is the avoidance of using swear words. There are people who regularly swear when what they are doing or what is happening around them is not going as they wish. Many people think it is harmless to swear now and then (or even often), especially if the words are not really bad. They do not realize that even the simplest form of swearing stimulates the chakras below the muladhara and thus lowers our consciousness and strengthens instinctive tendencies to become fearful, angry and jealous. Swearing, in fact, is a subtle form of anger that can easily lead to grosser forms of anger such as yelling at or actually hitting someone. Therefore, it is very important to refrain from swearing. Another reason swearing should be avoided, as Gurudeva points out, is that it impresses the subconscious mind of the speaker in a negative way and thus programs him to fail in life rather than succeed. His curses at life affirm to his subconscious that life is full of problems, and his curses at others automatically reflect back at him through the infallible law of karma. He is thus digging a deep, dark, unhappy pit for himself. This, of course, is the opposite of utilizing positive affirmations to be successful in life. Swearing is a sure way to curse oneself and invoke the presence of asuras, rather than devas, into our homes.
Another important aspect of speech is brought out in the Kural's chapter ten on "Speaking Pleasant Words." The idea is captured quite nicely in verse 100: "To utter harsh words when sweet ones would serve is like eating unripe fruits when ripe ones are at hand." Tiruvalluvar is pointing out they we always have a choice whether to speak in a kindly way or in an unkindly way. In verse 99 the sage makes a similar point: "Why would anyone speak cruel words, having observed the happiness that kind words confer?" Valluvar also points out that choosing to speak kind words yields spiritual rewards and moral excellence, and causes one's virtues to increase and vices to decrease. Most convincingly, he says that poverty-producing sorrow will not pursue those who speak joy-producing words to all they meet.
In conclusion, remember that we always have a choice. We can choose to hurt others through our speech by joking, teasing, gossiping and backbiting. Or we can choose to help others through our speech by speaking in a respectful, kind and supportive way. Therefore, develop a new habit. Make a decision to begin the regular practice of stopping, thinking before you speak and asking yourself the question "Does what I am about to say pass the fourfold test of being true, kind, helpful and necessary?" If it does not pass this test, then don't say it. By this simple practice we can remove any harmfulness, himsa, from our speech, further refine our behavior and become an even more spiritual being.
