Enduring happiness can be achieved through understanding the nature of desire, refining our desires, developing a religious nature and experiencing inner joy through the spiritual practices of meditation, devotion and service to others.
The nonmystical approach to happiness is that if you attain what you desire, you are happy; and if you don't, you are unhappy. Win the lottery, get a great job, and you are happy. Miss the lottery, lose your job, and you are miserable. The dictionary tells us that happiness is "the emotion evoked by success or by the prospect of possessing what one desires." A reflective person knows that this kind of happiness is fleeting. When we finally possess what we have been desiring, somehow the happiness soon fades and, before we know it, we are back to our dissatisfied self again, desiring something new to give us that elusive happiness. The cycle of desire-fulfillment-pleasure-loss-pain-suffering—that is the cycle of seeking happiness in outer things, be they possessions or people.
What is the solution? Some say, "Give up desire!" Desire is what is causing the whole problem. It drives us to get what we want, and when the happiness of that getting eventually wears off we start all over again with a new desire. So, if you can get rid of desire, you solve the whole problem. Right?
Our Gurudeva, Sivaya Subramuniyaswami, looked at it differently. He said, "Desire is life, and the reason we desire things is because we are alive. Desire is energy expressing itself." The only way you could get rid of desire would be to get rid of life. Even if the physical body has passed on, even if we don't have a physical body, we are still "alive," still active, creative and motivated by what? Desire. So, trying to get rid of desire is not really a solution to the cycle of desire and fulfillment.
Instead, Gurudeva suggests we focus on uplifting our consciousness and changing what we desire. That is how we solve the problem, by channeling or transmuting our energy, desiring things that are more refined. Instead of desiring just to make ourselves happy, we desire to make our family and friends happy, too. That is a higher desire. Going to school is a way of channeling energy. As a child, first we memorize, bringing the energies up out of the chakras below the muladhara into the muladhara chakra. Then, in the svadishthana chakra, we reason. We learn how to think. Then we learn how to push things through and accomplish them, through the force of will in the manipura chakra. We are pulling the energy up into memory, reason and willpower in the normal process of schooling. Schooling is important, for it trains us to lift our consciousness, refine our character and harness the baser desires.
Cultural practices, such as singing, dancing and playing a musical instrument, are also effective ways of refining desire. They help raise the energies even farther than does basic study in school. In doing so, we raise our consciousness and learn to avoid the grosser states of mind—doubt, depression, discouragement—and circumvent the base problem of desire's leading ultimately to sorrow.
The goal is to claim the spiritual happiness that is inside us. Happiness is already part of our inner self, but we need to learn how to experience that part of us that is always happy. Once we have refined our desires through academic studies and cultural practices, we are religious enough to take the next step toward experiencing enduring happiness. Our religion gives us inner ways and outer ways to accomplish this.
The monistic or meditative way is to turn within in meditation, go deep into the lotus of the heart and experience our inner self, our inner light, our spiritual energy. That makes us truly happy. That's a wonderful way.
There is also the theistic way. We go to the temple and open ourselves to the blessings of the Deities. If we arrive in an unhappy state and receive divine blessings, we go away uplifted and happy. Why? Because we have connected with our inner self through external worship. We have connected with the same blissful state that can be achieved through meditation.
Gurudeva gave us another way: "If you want to attain happiness, make others happy." That is an insightful statement. Quite often we are unhappy because we are self-centered. We are in a selfish state of mind, concerned only about our own life, our problems, our challenges. "Life is not treating us fairly," we think, so we are miserable. What's the antidote? Do something for other people. Try to make them happy.
A woman suffering from severe depression was told by her psychiatrist, "I have a sure remedy for your depression, if you follow it. Go out and help other people. Make other people happy." Of course, she would not do that. We might say she actually wanted to be depressed. Or we could say she was stuck in that state of mind, unable to change. The essence of this approach to happiness is that it does not come from getting but from giving, not from having but from helping.
Gurudeva made an insightful statement about selfless service: "Go out into the world this week and let your light shine through your kind thoughts, but let each thought manifest itself in a physical deed of doing something for someone else. Lift their burdens just a little bit and, unknowingly perhaps, you may lift something that is burdening your mind. You erase and wipe clean the mirror of your own mind through helping another. We call this karma yoga, the deep practice of unwinding, through service, the selfish, self-centered, egotistical vasanas of the lower nature that have been generated for many, many lives and which bind the soul in darkness. Through service and kindness, you can unwind the subconscious mind and gain a clear understanding of all laws of life. Your soul will shine forth. You will be that peace. You will radiate that inner happiness and be truly secure, simply by practicing being kind in thought, word and deed."
Recently a devotee wrote to me for advice. "The doctor has put Dad on an even stronger pain medication. He spends his days in bed. He is so very depressed. I pray daily that I can brighten his day in some small way. I offer to massage him. Sometimes he is open; sometimes he just wants to be left alone. My husband and I try very hard to care for him in the best way we know how. Most times, I feel it is never good enough, because Dad is so closed down, so critical and angry. I continually look for ways to give and to serve each day. Please offer advice and encouragement."
Sound familiar? An aging parent is in a negative state of mind, to one degree or another, and refuses to budge from that state of mind, no matter what the children do. Here was my advice: "In caring for your father-in-law, it is enough to do the kindly act. Whether it is appreciated or not does not matter from a karmic point of view. You are creating good karma by fulfilling dharma."
In other words, don't allow yourself to become disappointed when you can't change a lifetime of mental habits of a person just by smiling, being nice and helping out. He is who he is. She is who she is. It may be helpful to acknowledge that he or she is not on the path of spiritual transformation, may not even believe in it. You will be more at ease if you don't expect them to make changes in themselves just because you have the courage to do so. All you can do is your duty. Do it to the best of your ability. If he or she is uplifted and smiles because of it or remains grumpy and depressed, don't let that be the measure of your success. The measure of success is doing your duty, doing it with love. It is okay for you to be happy even if your parent isn't happy, though you may live in the same house. You should not let your father's or mother's negativity, depression and criticalness be contagious.
This same principle applies to everything we do for others in life. Sometimes parents get discouraged because they do the best they can with their children and the children don't respond in a way that seems reasonable. "Look, our daughter didn't follow my good advice, despite all my love and attention. She is still doing the same old, stupid things." The parents feel sad. But why should they? A wiser approach is to feel that you have done your duty to the other family members and earned good karma by doing the right things in a loving way. Therefore, there is no need for their negativity to prevent you from being happy, just as we don't have to be ill if those close to us fall sick.
Let's look at Gurudeva's example in this regard. He gave so much advice and loving attention over the years. If he became unhappy every time someone didn't take his advice and respond positively, he would have been terribly unhappy. However, as we know Gurudeva enjoyed enduring happiness no matter how others responded to his advice and attention.
Being surrounded by family and friends is important. It is a natural and positive state to live in. It helps us live a fulfilling, dharmic life. The problem comes if we rely on family and friends to make us happy. This is a false concept. We want our happiness to come from within ourselves. Then we can share that happiness with our family and friends.
Similarly, we should never fall into thinking, "I am unhappy by myself. If I get married, if I have children or if I have lots of friends, I will be somehow happy." It does not work that way. Any temporary happiness soon wears away in the old cycle of fulfillment of desire. We get married. If we are an unhappy person, we may be happy for a while. But eventually we will fall back into the state of unhappiness, because that is our mental habit, the mode our mind operates in. That habit does not go away just because we associate with new people. It also does not go away by our getting new possessions. The happiness derived from acquiring things lasts for an even shorter time. New computer, new car, redecorate the home—these can be fulfilling for a few months, maybe a year for the home, but eventually the charm wears off. The state of unhappiness only goes away permanently by our remolding our consciousness and the way we look at life, by refining our character to the point where we naturally live in a state of fulfilled contentment all of the time, regardless of external circumstances.
In conclusion, begin the regular practice of reflecting on your state of happiness or unhappiness. If you find yourself being unhappy, let go of the cause in the outer world that is the source. Change your perspective to the mystical one that happiness is always within us. Then claim your inner happiness through finding additional ways you can give to and help other people. Remember Gurudeva's statement, "If you want to attain happiness, make others happy."
