CHAPTER 10: PRESERVING COMMITMENTS
Making Our Marriage Work
Hi, my name is Ravi. We met in the last story. I decided to tell you myself how Jasmine and I fared in the next few years. I know, you are still young, and this is a totally grown-up topic. But the decisions you will make soon in your life can have lasting consequences, as they did in mine. So, better you learn now what can happen, even with a person you love as much as I love Jasmine, and how preserving a commitment once made can take real work.§
Jasmine and I were going to the temple every week, and she was studying the book called How to Become a Hindu. After a year or so, we held a beautiful name-giving ceremony for her at the temple and she became Malligai, or Malli for short, the name Mom had chosen for her—meaning “jasmine” in Tamil. The ceremony was also her formal entrance into the Hindu faith. That was a big step, and it helped us feel closer to each other. We graduated from college the next year and were married that spring. I enrolled in law school. Malli got a job to support us. Our plan was for her to quit once I graduated, and then we would start a family. §
After our wedding in India, things didn’t go the way we thought they would. Challenges multiplied, and we found ourselves struggling to make our marriage work. And no, it wasn’t family interference. Uncle Shankar did get involved, but not in the way I expected. More on him later. We found out falling in love was the easy part, and being a family is a lot more difficult!§
Now, as you know (because you read the last story), my Dad had our astrological charts compared in the Hindu way for compatibility—to tell how well our marriage might work out and what our challenges would be. §
Our family guru, Swami Nadeeshwar, had our charts analyzed by three astrologers. They all said the compatibility wasn’t the best. There were numerous “combustible” combinations, or something like that. They indicated that we might look at important things differently, and conflicts would be common. All this despite our strong love for each other. Not only that, the charts showed that we had been married in a past life. §
Malli and I brushed it off, I’m sorry to say. We were confident we could overcome anything because we loved each other so much. Guruji had given some advice on how to deal with any conflict that came up, but the bad prediction had upset me, and I found myself ignoring his advice.§
We had worried that the family back in India would not accept Malli because of her race. That turned out to be no problem at all. We spent two months in Tamil Nadu with my relatives, and she charmed everyone. For one thing, she was more religious than most of them, so the “arranged marriage to a Tamil Hindu girl” argument didn’t work any more. With my mom’s help, Malli learned to wear a sari with style. Plus, she was a good cook, and already knew a bit of Tamil. They knew she loved all of them, and that endeared them to her, since not all daughters-in-law adore their new family. Near the end of our visit, even Uncle Shankar came around and declared she was the perfect wife for me (translation: the perfect in-law for him!).§
The first year of marriage was great. Every month was just like our honeymoon. Then, sixteen months into our marriage, we got into the first fight—something about my tossing my coat on the chair and expecting Malli to pick it up. She was tired from work, and no doubt, like so many men, I am pretty messy. But still, for a coat to cause a two-hour argument? §
The next day’s fight was over texting. I was working with a fellow law student on a report and typing on my iPhone during dinner. Malli blew up: “You already study long hours, and now we can’t even have dinner in peace?” §
Two days later I was using her computer, and she accused me of snooping into her emails. I wasn’t, but I had to wonder what would be in her email that I shouldn’t see. §
About this time, I started to ask myself, “Did I make a mistake in marrying her?” I even considered moving out like my friend John did on his wife.§
But how could I even think such things? We were in love, after all, weren’t we? We made up after each fight, but it was only days until the next, and the next and the next. We got used to it. It became what we did—an acceptable way to live, I guess. There were minor fights every week and a major blowup at least once a month.§
I graduated from law school around our third anniversary and got a decent job so Malli could quit hers. It was time to start the family we both wanted. It was a difficult pregnancy. Malli suffered morning sickness right from the second month. There was some benefit, I guess. Seeing her so miserable, I went out of my way to avoid fights—mostly. §
Uncle Shankar would come to visit whenever he was in the States. He brought her various ayurvedic remedies and in general tried to cheer her up. This was good, but the downside was that he was now taking her side in our conflicts. Not only that, he was getting my mom and dad involved, and Malli’s parents, too—having made friends with them the previous year. Quite a shift from where he started, I must say!§
We managed to keep the marriage stable; divorce was never an option for me. It is against the Hindu tradition except in cases of real abuse. I had made a commitment to Malli, and I was going to keep it. Once we walked around the sacred fire together, the marriage was for life. Despite the fighting, Malli felt the same way.§
Yamini was born that spring. The baby took our minds off each other, and the arguments subsided some. Then Rajiv was born two years later, and we were a full family. At first we were careful to never fight around the children. But then as they got older, that rule was forgotten, which turned out to be a big mistake.§
Though we continued to bicker privately, our first blowup in front of the children happened at dinner, when Yamini was six. Malli and I were quarreling over something minor, and we didn’t pay any attention to the effect it had on the kids until Yamini started crying hysterically. “Stop it! Stop it! I’ll be good! It’s my fault you fight all the time. Please stop! I’ll be good!”§
Malli and I looked at each other, stunned. §
Malli calmed Yamini down, telling her again and again that Mommy and Daddy were not fighting because of her. Perhaps she believed it, but we both knew we had caused a big problem for our little girl, and Rajiv was surely suffering as well. §
“I think we need to talk to Guruji,” I told Malli. “He gave some advice for us before our marriage, but I forgot it. Now I think we had better ask him what to do.”§
Malli’s look was serious, “If we go to him, we should do exactly what he says.”§
“You’re right.”§
I must admit I hadn’t been close to Guruji since leaving home. If I had let him know how the marriage was going, he could have helped us resolve our problems.§
As soon as we sat down in front of him, he said, “Marriage isn’t going so well, is it?”§
“How did you know?”§
“It’s obvious just looking at the two of you. There are streaks of red in your aura, showing anger, and other dark colors built up from your years of fights. I can see these colors in your astral body. You know this was all predicted in your astrological charts, don’t you?”§
I was surprised, to say the least, how clearly he remembered everything about our marriage. It was as though not even a day had passed since my dad and I talked to him ten years ago. §
“Do you remember what I told you then, the remedy?”§
I hesitated, “No, I’m sorry to say I don’t.”§
“Then we will go over it again.” §
Now mind you, he wasn’t looking at any notes, and his assistant hadn’t said a word. Yet, he remembered everything about us. §
“First, after you have a fight that you can’t settle the same day, I want you to go to the Murugan Temple in Lanham, Maryland—that’s not too far from here. It has a strong Ganesha Deity. He is an expert in solving marital problems. Go for the puja, but don’t sit together. You can even go at separate times. Talk to Ganesha; tell Him everything that happened. Don’t hold anything back. Plead for His help. After the puja is over, sing bhajans to Him. Stay there until you are calm.”§
“Yes, Guruji, we can do that. Is that all?”§
“No. There is one more instruction. Do you remember what I said about writing down your problems on a piece of paper and then burning it up?”§
“Sort of,” I admitted, wishing I had paid more attention to these valuable tools while growing up, when we used to attend Hinduism classes at the temple.§
“It’s a way of clearing your subconscious mind of emotions. Write down the problem and burn it up. Write it down again, if need be, and burn it up again. There’s a bit of magic behind it, and it works.”§
“Ravi, one more thing. In a marriage the husband is responsible for his wife’s security and contentment. It’s your job to keep her happy. Give her everything she needs and everything she wants. If you do that, things will change, and you will rediscover the love you had ten years back. And with her support you will be successful in your career.”§
I must have looked surprised, because his eyes grew wide as if to get my attention, and he asked, “Do you think you can do that?”§
“Anything to keep us together, Guruji,” I replied.§
We thanked Guruji and drove home, talking all the way about how we could make things work again, each determined to make our marriage thrive. Not surprisingly, it was difficult at first. For one thing, it took a lot of time to go to the temple, pray, sing, meditate and write down and burn our problems. But, we figured, we always found time to fight, even for hours on end, so what’s to stop us from finding time to follow what Guruji told us?§
It took about a year for us to settle down. So many times I started to cry in the temple, and cry some more when writing down one clash or another on a piece of paper and burning it. But slowly I could feel the weight of years of fighting lift. I used to think our different backgrounds was a cause of our conflicts. But then someone told me, “An interracial couple has the same problems as any other couple.” I realized that was true. We were not fighting because of our differences. We fought because each of us, in our own way, was not good at handling our emotions. We would get upset inside ourselves, then take it out on each other.§
Malli was coming to the same realizations. We started to handle disagreements more intelligently, more compassionately. Now when we were a few harsh words into something that we would normally fight about, suddenly we would look at each other and say, “No fighting today!” We would go to the shrine room, light a lamp and some incense and sit quietly for a few minutes, then talk through the problem as calmly as possible. We were determined to work out a fair solution for each—usually by my agreeing to give Malli what she wanted, as Guruji had instructed.§
Actually, that’s not fair to say. We both compromised a lot. We had to, because we decided our family must come first. No matter what, our children had to have a peaceful home. That decision gave us the courage and determination, and a good reason, to solve our problems.§
At our wedding, we had walked seven steps around the sacred fire, making prayers to God and promises to each other, including living in harmony and being loyal companions for life. At first we thought love alone would be enough, and we ignored the advice and warnings from the astrologers. We didn’t understand, or believe, what they meant by compatibility. I mean, really, astrology, in this day and age? §
Well, now I’m a believer. §
The charts are among the first things considered in an arranged marriage. The various traits are compared, the personalities. Even past life karmas figure in. Weaknesses in one person are balanced by strengths in the other. Only matches with a strong chance of success are considered viable.§
But in a love marriage, all this is unknown until it is too late. Pretty soon the love that was so powerful at the beginning doesn’t solve the problems that come up. Such a marriage takes a lot of extra effort. It’s even harder when you ignore—as I did—the guru’s directions. That was my biggest mistake. §
So, you ask, what’s my advice, now that I am older and maybe wiser? Here it is. §
Hindu tradition has always accepted love marriages—you can find stories of them from ancient times. But, for the most part, marriages have been arranged by the parents, and happy couples raising happy families have more than often been the result. §
So when you’re older, give your parents, relatives and even your friends a chance to find your perfect partner for you. If they don’t do that, and you find “true love” on your own, pause and give it some deep thought. Marriage is a life-long commitment. Go through all the steps that would happen in an arranged marriage. The ingredients for success include mental and emotional compatibility, good astrology, approval of both families and not only blessings, but directions, from the guru. Without all of these, and I say this from experience, proceed at your own risk!§
