Parenting with Love

Positive Discipline

On the following pages, one of the world’s foremost experts on child-rearing presents a practical and compassionate system of guiding children, complete with situational techniques and secrets that society should teach every parent. Drawn from Dr. Nelsen’s books, the upper portion of these pages presents some key ideas of her system, and the lower portion presents fourteen strategies. Many of the stories, captions and photos in this Insight were contributed by Kavita Mardemootoo of Mauritius, a parent and avid teacher of Positive Discipline.§

BY DR. JANE NELSEN§

HERE DID WE EVER GET THE CRAZY IDEA THAT CHILDREN will do better if we first make them feel worse? Please absorb that statement. It doesn’t make any sense at all—yet it is the basis for punishment.§

Think of the last time someone put you down, humiliated you and made you feel bad. Did you feel motivated to do better? Did you think, “This is so helpful. I can hardly wait to bring all my problems to this person. She is so encouraging?” Or, did you feel like rebelling, getting even or giving up? One of the latter is what most children do. I call this the Three R’s of Punishment: 1) Rebellion, 2) Revenge, 3) Retreat, which comes in two forms: a) Low self-esteem: “I really am a bad person and need to please others to get love.” b) Sneaky: “I just won’t get caught next time.”§

Most parents don’t think about the long-term effects of punishment. They don’t realize that punishment may stop bad behavior for the moment but may result in future rebellion, revenge or sneakiness. Even when a child becomes obedient, it may be because she has decided (at a subconscious level), “I’m not good enough. Maybe if I obey I will be loved.” This can have disastrous results in the future when this same child decides to do whatever her peers want her to do so she will be accepted. When all their intelligence and energy is directed toward proving themselves to others, rebelling or giving up, children do not develop the perceptions and skills needed to become fully competent and capable people.§

Punishment is designed to make children pay for what they have done. Positive Discipline is designed to help children learn from what they have done in a safe and encouraging environment. We follow the Five Criteria for Effective Discipline: 1) Does it help children feel a sense of connection (belonging and significance)? 2) Is it respectful and encouraging (kind and firm at the same time)? 3) Is it effective long-term? (Punishment works in the short term, but has negative long-term results.) 4) Does it teach valuable social and life skills for good character (respect, concern for others, problem-solving and cooperation)? 5) Does it help children develop the belief that they are capable?§

It is important to emphasize that eliminating punishment does not mean children should be allowed to do whatever they want. We need to provide opportunities for them to experience responsibility in direct relationship to the privileges they enjoy. Most parents are afraid that if they stop punishing, permissiveness is the only alternative. Permissiveness doesn’t meet any of the five criteria. Permissiveness teaches children to believe that love means giving in, and that the world should bow to their every wish. The Positive Discipline books offer hundreds of alternatives for discipline that are nonpunitive and not permissive—and that meet all of the Five Criteria for Effective Discipline. This Insight presents many of those alternatives.§

SWAMI BRAHMAVIDYANANDA: “Hindu culture is kindness. It teaches ahimsa, noninjury, physically, mentally and emotionally. It preaches against himsa, hurtfulness. My experience taught me that. I grew up in a simple, humble family in India. My father followed Hindu principles strictly. He was closely associated with Mahatma Gandhi, who always taught against violence. My parents never used harsh words or corporal punishment with me or my brothers, not even when we made mistakes. Rather, they guided us by communicating verbally.”§

Love and Joy in Homes and Classrooms

The primary goal of Positive Discipline is to enable both adults and children to experience more joy, harmony, cooperation, shared responsibility, mutual respect and love in their life and relationships—in other words, more connection. We often act as though we have forgotten that sharing love and joy is the whole point of living and working with children, and find ourselves acting out of fear, judgment, expectations, blame, disappointment and anger. Then we wonder why we feel so miserable. The following are some basic concepts that show us how to avoid the detours that keep us from experiencing love and joy and satisfaction in our relationships with children.§

Children Are Social Beings§

Children make decisions about themselves and how to behave based on how they see themselves in relationship to others and how they think others feel about them. Children are constantly making decisions and forming beliefs about themselves, about the world, and about what they need to do to survive or thrive. When they are in their “survival” mode (trying to figure out how to feel a sense of belonging and significance), adults often interpret this as misbehavior. Does misbehavior seem different to you when you think of it as “survival mode” behavior? When they are “thriving,” they are developing strength in the Significant Seven Perceptions and Skills. These are:§

1. Strong perceptions of personal capabilities: “I am capable.”
2. Strong perceptions of significance in primary relationships: “I contribute in meaningful ways and I am genuinely needed.”
3. Strong perceptions of personal power or influence over life: “I can influence what happens to me.”
4. Strong intrapersonal skills: the ability to understand personal emotions and to use that understanding to develop self-discipline and self-control.
5. Strong interpersonal skills: the ability to work with others and develop friendships through communicating, cooperating, negotiating, sharing, empathizing and listening.
6. Strong systemic skills: the ability to respond to the limits and consequences of everyday life with responsibility, adaptability, flexibility and integrity.
7. Strong judgmental skills: the ability to use wisdom and to evaluate situations according to appropriate values.

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DINODIA§

The extended family has its own challenges and built-in strengths for producing relationships of trust and cooperation. Teaching children respect for their grandparents is essential.
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Four Steps for Winning Cooperation§

Children feel encouraged when they think you understand their point of view. Once they feel understood, they are more willing to listen and to work on a solution to the problem. Using the following Four Steps for Winning Cooperation is a great way to create a connection before seeking to solve a behavioral problem.§

1. Express understanding for the child’s feelings. Be sure to check with him to see if you are right.
2. Show empathy without condoning his behavior. A nice touch here is to share times when you have felt or acted similarly.
3. Share your feelings and perceptions.
4. Invite the child to focus on a solution. Ask if he has any ideas on what to do in the future to avoid the problem. If he doesn’t, offer some suggestions and seek his agreement.

An attitude of friendliness, caring and respect is essential to these steps. Your decision to create a connection will be enough to create positive feelings in you. After the first two steps, the child will be won over. He will now be ready to hear you when you use the third step (even if you may have expressed your feelings many times before without being heard). The fourth step is likely to be effective now that you have created an atmosphere of respect.§

SWAMI TEJOMAYANANDA: “In a home I once visited, the host had two sons. He told them, ‘Swamiji is here. Ask him whatever you want to ask or know.’ The boys replied, ‘We don’t have any questions.’ After breakfast I went to them and asked, ‘What is your hobby?’ ‘We like to play baseball,’ was the reply. I said, ‘Please teach me about baseball.’ Immediately they became enthusiastic about educating me on the game. They showed me some pictures and a video. Gradually they began asking me all about religion and culture.” This shows that if you take an interest in a child’s interests, slowly a rapport will build.§

A Misbehaving Child Is a Discouraged Child§

Sometimes it is difficult for us to remember that misbehaving children are speaking to us in code—that they are trying to tell us they want to belong when their behavior inspires frustration rather than love and caring. Some experts believe we will reinforce the behavior if we respond positively to a child who is misbehaving. If, however, we understand that a misbehaving child is a discouraged child, it is obvious that the best way to remove the motivation for misbehavior is to find a positive way to help the child feel belonging and significance.§

Accepting this concept intellectually is one thing, but it is quite another to put it into practice for three reasons: 1) Most adults do not feel like being positive when a child is misbehaving. 2) Most adults don’t fully understand how their own misbehavior can invite misbehavior from children and therefore are reluctant to accept responsibility for their part of the show. Awareness without blame can create a huge step in resolving conflict. 3) The rare adult who is able to respond to misbehavior with positive encouragement will often be rejected by the child. This is because children (like most of us) are not always receptive to encouragement when they need it the most. They are too emotionally upset to accept it. The solution: wait for a cooling-off period and try again with encouragement.§

Want kids to behave? Nothing works like sharing. Even the simple task of making sandwiches together creates close ties and gives young ones a sense of importance and belonging. This prevents misbehavior caused by discouragement.
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The child who needs love the most is often the child who acts the most unlovable. Understanding the four mistaken goals of behavior helps adults remember what children are really saying with their misbehavior: “I just want to belong.” It also helps us know what to do to resolve the problem in ways that are encouraging while teaching children life skills.§

Think of the misbehavior as a code and ask yourself, “What is she really trying to tell me?” The child is not consciously aware of her coded message, but will feel deeply understood when you deal with her hidden belief instead of reacting to the behavior. You will feel differently if you remember that behind the misbehavior is a child who just wants to belong and is confused or unskilled about how to accomplish this goal in a socially useful way. Look closely to see if your words and actions are causing the child to believe she doesn’t belong or have significance.§

The following chart shows the four mistaken goals and corresponding beliefs that motivate misbehavior.§

Undue Attention: Everyone wants attention There is nothing wrong with that. The problem occurs when a child wants excessive attention. In other words, she seeks belonging in annoying ways rather than useful ways. The behavior is annoying because it comes from the child’s mistaken belief of the moment: “I belong only when I am the center of attention.” This belief adds a sense of urgency and persistence to the behavior that others find annoying. It can be very encouraging to children seeking undue attention to redirect them to get attention in contributing ways, such as helping you with a task.§

Misguided Power: Everyone wants power. Power is not a bad thing; it depends on how it is used. When children have the mistaken belief that they belong only when they are the boss, their use of power looks like misbehavior. When they operate from the mistaken goal of misguided power, they are not using their power in useful ways and need redirection to use it in socially useful ways. A power-hungry child can be shown how to lead others instead of dominating them.§

Revenge: It seems to be human nature to strike back when we feel hurt. This is why revenge cycles are so common. It is ironic that adults want children to control their behavior when adults have difficulty controlling their own behavior. Controlling your own behavior is very important to break the revenge cycle. When you are feeling hurt, you can avoid striking back. Instead, validate the child’s feelings.§

Assumed Inadequacy: The child who operates from the mistaken goal of assumed inadequacy (because of a mistaken belief about her capabilities) may not cause you many problems during the day, but may haunt you at night when you have time to think about how she seems to have given up. Unlike the child who says, “I can’t,” just to get you to pay attention, the child operating from assumed inadequacy really believes she can’t. You need to take time to show her a small step. Don’t do all the steps. Having too much done for her could be what gave her the impression that she is inadequate. “I’ll show you how to tie one shoe, and then you can show me what you have learned and let me know if you need more help.”§

Clues for Identifying Mistaken Goals§

There are two clues adults can use to help identify the goal. Clue number one is to examine your emotional reaction. Ask yourself, “Underneath my anger or frustration, am I feeling annoyed, threatened, disappointed or inadequate?” If the child’s mistaken goal is undue attention, you will feel irritation, worry, guilt or annoyance. If it is misguided power, you will feel threatened, challenged, provoked or defeated. If revenge is the goal, you will feel hurt, disappointed, disbelieving or disgusted. When the goal is assumed inadequacy, you will feel inadequate, hopeless or helpless, asking yourself, “How can I possibly reach and inspire this child?” Practice observing your feelings and you will catch on to how this works. Many parents and teachers have reported that they keep a copy of the Positive Discipline Mistaken Goal Chart on their desk or refrigerator as a useful resource. It helps them remember the basis for most misbehavior, and to be more effective in helping their children during times of stress.§

Clue number two is to observe the child’s response when you use conventional methods to cope with the behavior. Here is a guide: Undue Attention: The child stops for a while, but soon resumes the same (or some other) behavior to get your attention. Misguided Power: The child continues misbehaving and may verbally defy or passively resist your request to stop. This can easily escalate to a power struggle between you and the child. Revenge: The child retaliates by doing something destructive or saying something hurtful. This may escalate to a revenge cycle between you and the child. Assumed Inadequacy: The child usually is passive, hoping you will soon give up and leave him alone. Sometimes this child will act out (such as being the class clown to cover up feelings of inadequacy in academics, sports, etc.).§

It’s natural for siblings to compete, and even to fight. One way to defuse battles is to restrain your own emotions, and not put down one child in front of the other or blame either of them. Instead, end the activity they were involved in before the conflict and send each to a favorite place for some alone time. Soon they will get the idea that fighting in this family is not appropriate.
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These two clues help parents and teachers break the code of what children are really saying with their behavior. Even when we understand the motive, it may not be easy to respond wisely. When we encounter a child who is misbehaving, it is much easier (and normal) to react from our secondary feelings of anger and frustration than it is to stop and wonder: “What is this child trying to tell me?” In my book, we also explain a technique of asking strategic questions of the child to determine the hidden motives of her behavior. One further complexity is that a child may be motivated by more than one mistaken goal at time!§

Effective Intervention§

Once you know the mistaken goal (and the belief behind it), you can choose an effective strategy to create a connection with children and help them achieve their true goal of belonging and significance. Here are some basic remedies.§

WHEN THE GOAL IS UNDUE ATTENTION§

1) Redirect the child into contributing behavior. 2) Do the unexpected. A big hug is often effective. 3) Set up a schedule for special time with the child on a regular basis. 4) Smile in a knowing way that communicates you are not “going to get hooked into this,” and then say, “I’m looking forward to our special time at six o’clock.” 5) Set up nonverbal signals with your child in advance: a hand over your heart to signal, “I love you,” or a hand cupped to your ear to signal you are ready to listen when the whining stops. 6) Give reassurance and show faith. “I love you, and I know you can handle this yourself.” 7) Ignore the behavior (but not the child) by placing your hand on his shoulder in a caring manner while continuing your activity. 8) During pleasant moments, take time for training and role play other ways to behave, such as using words instead of whining. 9) Verbalize love and caring.§

WHEN THE GOAL IS MISGUIDED POWER§

Withdraw from the power struggle to allow for a cooling-off period; then do one of the following: 1) Admit you can’t make the child do anything and ask her for help in finding a solution that works for both of you. 2) Use the four steps for winning cooperation. 3) Follow up with a one-to-one problem-solving session. 4) Redirect the child to use power constructively. 5) Get the child involved in finding solutions. 6) Decide what you will do, not what you will try to make the child do. Example: “I will pull over to the side of the road until you two stop fighting.” It is important that such actions be done with kindness as well as firmness. It is especially effective to keep quiet while following through—avoid reminders, threats and lectures. 7) Set up a schedule for spending special time with the child. 8) Get children involved in creating routines and then let the routines be the boss. 9) Offer limited choices. 10) Invite the child to put the problem on the family meeting agenda. 11) Verbalize love and caring.§

WHEN THE GOAL IS REVENGE§

Remember that children cover up hurt feelings, which make them feel powerless, by seeking revenge, which gives them a sense of control. Effective remedies include the following: 1) Withdraw from the revenge cycle by avoiding retaliation. 2) Make a guess about what has hurt the child and show empathy. Validate the hurt feelings. 3) Use reflective listening. Get into the child’s world by reflecting back what you are hearing, “You sound very hurt.” Reflective listening can include curiosity questions, “Can you tell me more? Then what happened? How did that make you feel?” The goal is to avoid sharing your point of view and to understand the child’s point of view. 4) Use the Three Rs of Recovery if you caused the hurt. 5) Use the four steps for winning cooperation. 6) After a cooling-off period, engage the child in one-to-one problem solving. 7) Show you care and give encouragement. 8) Set up a schedule for special time with the child. 9) Verbalize love and caring.§

WHEN THE GOAL IS ASSUMED INADEQUACY§

Remember that the child is not inadequate, but will continue to act inadequate until she gives up her belief that she is. Here are some remedies. 1) Take time for training, making the steps as basic as necessary for the child to experience success. Demonstrate a small step that the child can duplicate. “I will draw half the circle, and you draw the other half.” 2) Arrange for small successes. Find out anything the child can do well, and give her many opportunities to share her expertise. 3) Acknowledge any positive attempt, no matter how small. 4) Eliminate all expectations of perfection. 5) Focus on the child’s assets. 6) Do not give up. 7) Spend regular, special time with the child. 8) Verbalize love and caring.§

Teach and Model Mutual Respect§

Mutual respect incorporates attitudes of: 1) faith in the abilities of yourself and others; 2) interest in the point of view of others as well as your own and; 3) willingness to take responsibility and ownership for your own contribution to the problem. The best way to teach these attitudes to children is by modeling them yourself.§

TARA KATIR: “We cannot teach Positive Discipline without establishing rapport. Developing rapport means spending time doing things together and talking with your children at their level about things they want to talk about. Often this can be achieved by just being together silently, or simply feeling the good bond of parent and child while enjoying an activity. Rapport can easily be broken. Speaking sharply can break it. Then it needs to be repaired.”§

The values of Positive Discipline only work when a strong rapport has been created. There is no better way to build that foundation of trust than to be with your children. Knowing this, the Patels have taken their children to the beach for the day, to fly kites but mostly just to have fun.
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What We Do Is Never as
Important as How We Do It§

The feeling and attitude behind what we do will determine the “how.” The feeling behind words is often most evident in our tone of voice.§

One day I came home from a trip and was welcomed by a sink full of dirty dishes. I felt discouraged and angry and started scolding and criticizing, “We have agreed that everyone will put their dishes in the dishwasher. How come no one keeps their agreements when I’m not around?”§

I looked for someone to blame, but everyone claimed, “I didn’t do it.” From a negative feeling I said, “Okay, we have to have a family meeting and decide what to do about this.” Can you imagine the outcome if we had tried to have a meeting based on my feelings of blame and criticism? We would not have found the kind of effective solution that comes from an atmosphere of love and respect. My attacking attitude would have inspired defensiveness and counterattacks instead of harmony and solutions. I realized what I was doing and immediately changed directions. I could see that my negative attitude would not produce the results I wanted—to say nothing of how miserable it made me feel at the time. As soon as I changed my attitude, my feelings changed and I had immediate inspiration about how to get positive results. I said, “Let’s go out for pizza. Later we will have a family meeting to look for solutions instead of blame.”§

Based on those feelings, we had a successful meeting. We laughingly agreed that it must have been a phantom who left the dishes in the sink. When we stopped looking for blame and concentrated on solutions, Mark and Mary proposed that we all be assigned two days a week to take care of the phantom’s dirty dishes. As you might guess, fewer dishes were left in the sink after this friendly discussion.§

BODHINATHA VEYLANSWAMI: Kids can learn from parents that it is through taking a humble attitude, rather than a dominant position, that conflicts are resolved smoothly and easily. Mastery of resolving differences keeps our young one’s lives sublime and their subconscious minds free of the disturbances caused by memories of unresolved disagreements.§

Give Children the Benefit of the Doubt§

Every child wants to succeed. Every child wants to have good relationships with others. Every child wants to feel a sense of connection, belonging and significance. When we remember this, we will give misbehaving children the benefit of the doubt. Instead of assuming they want to be difficult, we will assume they want positive results and are simply confused about how to achieve them. They don’t have the knowledge, the skills or the maturity to find belonging and significance in useful ways. It is our job to help them develop what they need. To be effective, our approach must be based on an attitude of, “I know you want to succeed. How can I help?”§

DR. KRISHNA D. BHAT: “Parents should know the needs, aspirations, strengths and limitations of every child. Paramahansa Niranjanananda calls it the SWAN theory: Strengths, Weaknesses, Aspirations and Needs. Children should be properly molded by parents. They are highly suggestible, like malleable metal. They are very imitative and will copy our behavior, which is one of the greatest risks of using corporal punishment.”§

Freely Express Unconditional Love§

Children need to know they are more important to us than anything they do. They need to know they are more important than their grades. They need to know they are more important than the material possessions in our lives. Jiva’s mom made some mistakes before she remembered this vital point. When Jiva broke one of her prize antique vases, she was so heartbroken over it that she sat down and cried. Jiva felt awful about what he had done, but finally asked, “Mother, would you feel that bad if something happened to me?”§

Children often don’t know how important and loved they are. Sometimes parents and teachers focus so much on misbehavior that they lose sight of the child—and the child loses sight of himself. One mother asked her three-year-old, “Do you know I really love you?” The reply was, “Yes, I know you love me when I am good.” A teenager replied to the same question, “I know you love me if I get good grades.”§

We often nag at our children to do better. We want them to be better because we love them and think they will be happier if they do what we think is good for them. They usually do not hear that we want them to do better for their sake. What they interpret is, “I can never do anything well enough. I can’t live up to your expectations. You want me to be better for you, not for me.”§

Remember that children do better when they feel better. Nothing feels better than unconditional love. Most parents are not aware that they are being unloving when they use punishment. In fact, most parents use punishment in the name of love!§

KAVITA: “When talking to children, it can help to get on the same eye level with the child. I found that this simple practice changed my communication with my young son. The hardest part is trying not to break into a smile when I ask him to look into my eyes and he looks left and right trying to avoid my gaze. Once he makes eye contact, I have his full attention. Looking into your child’s eyes brings the two of you closer and tunes you into how he or she is feeling in that moment.”§

Help Children Develop a Sense of Capability§

All the concepts taught in Positive Discipline help children develop their sense of capability. Children will not acquire a sense of competence and responsibility if adults keep doing for them what they can and should do for themselves.§

Put Positive Discipline to Work in Your Life§

If you like the concepts presented in this brief introduction, I strongly urge you to read my Positive Discipline book, and then read it again. I guarantee that you will get at least ten times more from it in the second reading. You will see things you totally missed the first time. Once you understand the principles, your common sense and intuition will enable you to apply them in your own life. I know from personal experience, and from reports from hundreds of parents and teachers, that these concepts really work when used correctly.§

Adults have a leadership responsibility to help children develop characteristics that will enable them to live happy, productive lives. It is our job to provide them with a good foundation that they can build upon. Teaching them self-discipline, responsibility, cooperation and problem-solving skills helps them establish an excellent foundation. When children exhibit these characteristics and skills, they feel a greater sense of belonging and significance, which gives rise to positive behavior.§

Here is an inspiring testimony that Marianne McGinnis sent me after attending my two-day workshop “Teaching Parenting the Positive Discipline Way.” “Your philosophy on living and parenting gives me more hope than anything else I have ever come across. I am truly inspired, and am already incorporating many of the tools—family meetings, remembering that mistakes are opportunities to learn, asking ‘what’ and ‘how’ curiosity questions, looking for solutions instead of blame, sharing encouraging messages (‘I have faith in you’ is my favorite) and always getting the message of love across. Not only are my boys responding with more love and helpful behavior, I can see how encouraged and inspired they are! I’m not shutting them down anymore.” I called Marianne and asked her to share her success stories for a podcast. To hear her story, go to www.PositiveDiscipline.com and scroll down to podcast episode 49.§

If you find that Positive Discipline isn’t working for you, check to see if something is missing or out of balance. For example, problem solving may not be effective if adults or children do not understand that mistakes are opportunities to learn. Family or class meetings may not be effective until people have learned mutual respect and social responsibility. Too much kindness without firmness may become permissiveness, and too much firmness without kindness may become excessive strictness.§

A family has their new car blessed. There are many such opportunities in our religion to reinforce the presence of the Gods and guru in the lives of our children. Guiding them to follow a daily religious routine is a vital part of upbringing.
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Sometimes we have to stop dealing with the misbehavior and heal the relationship first. Often the healing involves encouragement that removes the motivation for misbehavior without dealing directly with the misbehavior. Encouragement may not seem to work until adults understand the belief behind the child’s behavior by recognizing the mistaken goals.§

There is never just one way to solve a behavior challenge. In parent and teacher study groups, participants can brainstorm several possible suggestions based on the principles in the books. The parent or teacher seeking help can then choose the most acceptable suggestion. You can also send questions to my blog, where I post my answers and advice on a vast array of issues. On-line classes in Positive Discipline are available, and I offer telephone consultation as well.§

Positive Discipline is not about perfection. It is helpful to have patience with ourselves and with our children as we work to change old habits. As our understanding of the underlying principles deepens, practical application becomes easier. Patience, humor and forgiveness enhance our learning process. Remember to see mistakes as opportunities to learn when you fall back into old habits. We have found that no matter how many times we react and forget to use the principles of Positive Discipline, we can always go back to the principles and clean up the messes we made while reacting. It is true, over and over again, that mistakes are wonderful opportunities to learn. Have compassion for yourself when you make mistakes—and learn from them. I have been learning from mistakes for almost 30 years since I first wrote Positive Discipline. I love these principles because they are wonderful guidelines to help me get back on track every time I get lost.§

I have presented many new concepts and skills here that will take practice for you to successfully apply to the special circumstances of your family. It can be confusing and discouraging to expect too much of yourself. Apply one method at a time and move ahead slowly, remembering to see mistakes as opportunities to learn. Many parents and teachers have found that even though their children don’t become perfect, they enjoy them much more after applying these concepts and attitudes. That is my wish for you.§

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